We Will All Be Changed

I frequently find myself leaving blogs half written simply because there is so much to say. So, pardon the 2 month gap between posts. So much has happened in my life since summer ended and school began, although the line between the two was pretty blurry this time around.

Within the first two days of school I felt like I was fighting to keep my head above water. I’m now starting the 6th week of my last year of college and I think I might feel some solid ground beneath my feet… finally. But most of this sense of drowning has occurred because I’m in the process of learning how to do something…

Date.

A boy man.

Named Greg.

The past 7 months have been a bit of a cat and mouse chase. Greg’s certainty has (for the most part) remained steady. Mine, however, has gone something like this:

February: I hate to break your heart, but I don’t ever see this happening.
March: Yep, still NO. In fact, I think I can only handle you for 2 hours at a time.
May: I really don’t know how to act around you. It’d be easier if you’d stop liking me.
June: Its kinda weird that you’re 400 miles away for the summer, but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with you all of the time.
July: Oh wow, you’re not so repulsive after all.
August: I can’t tell you “no” but I can’t tell you “yes”.
Sept 2: Ah, CRAP. I have so much fear. Maybe I could like you, but I’m not feelin’ anything.
Sept 3: Yeah, you’re right. I’m paralyzed by fear. I give you permission to pursue me, but I still don’t *like* you.
Sept 6: What the hell am I consenting to?
Sept 8: Wow, I really enjoyed that date. You’re really cool. I might be starting to like you.
Sept 14: I like you. There. I named it. I claim it. But don’t let your head get too big. And you better not go grabbing my hand.
Sept 17: Ok. I definitely like you. And I guess you can put your arm around me. And I guess you can call me your girlfriend. I guess.
Sept 24: I miss you. This is a strange feeling. What’s happening to me?
Sept 25: I really like you. I want to hold your hand, but I’m not going to yet. I think this could actually work out.
Sept 30: I can’t believe I’m holding your hand… and enjoying it. Jesus is really good. Life needs to slow down.

And that brings me to the present, where I’m realizing that even my strongest convictions today need only a whisper of truth to be changed tomorrow. I guess that’s just a sophisticated way of saying, “never say never”.

After ending a 6-year-long relationship, I had gotten really good at being single. I did things when I wanted, how I wanted, with whom I wanted, for as long as I wanted. Yes, I was submitted to community, but I was only halfway committed to the majority of my friends. In community, there are others to pick up my slack. Lifegroup becomes a place of rest. Worship nights become a time to get ministered to. Sunday service becomes a time to give hugs and receive a prayer at the front. All of these are good and necessary, but dating Greg – committing to one person – has made me realize just how selfish I really am.

I’ve been reminded that loving someone is hard work. Not because the act of loving is hard, but because the act of loving forces me into a life of ceaseless confession and repentance. It forces me into a life of ceaseless self-sacrifice and submission. It gently forces me to cling to THE CROSS, to the truth that I am undoubtedly loved and am perfectly pure in the eyes of Jesus.

And so now I’m beginning this journey I once thought was only open to those with a perfect past and a perfect faith. Its a journey of learning to love, learning to be loved, and learning to glorify God in everything I do.

And so far this story is turning out to be quite beautiful.